Jackson has developed a personality. And opinions. We have some good days and some bad days. Moments where he is smiling and cooing are quickly offset by moments where Jackson is screaming his head off. (In one book I read that "passionate" parents typically produce passionate children. So, basically, here's my payback.)
The latest phase has Jackson refusing to be put down when he's napping. If he's being held he'll sleep for two or three hour stretches but if we put him in a swing or carseat or bouncy seat he's awake in 20 minutes screaming bloody murder. And then he's overtired. And we all know what happens next.
Being one of those people who believes there is a right and wrong way to do everything, and also that knowledge is power, I've read a ton of baby books. And the more I read about how to do things the "right" way, the more I start to get confused. In fact, I've read so many books that the experts are starting to contradict each other. Where is Parenting for Dummies? Isn't there a Bible for Moms?
With arms and a back that ached from carrying a baby around all day, I sent off an email last night to the Old Town Moms listserve, an email group I joined that shares advice on random baby things (everything from daycare recommendations to deals on diapers). I mentioned that our seven-week-old would only sleep when swaddled or being held and asked for suggestions on reversing that trend. Convinced I was missing out on some great parental secret since I apparently am just no good at this, I thought someone could share their insight.
Turns out, nobody had any insights - really. They all just said, "It's a phase. He'll get over it. Enjoy it because one day he won't be little and you'll miss these moments, we promise." While that all made me feel better, my inability to eat or shower during the day while Chad is working has been fabulous for my figure but not so great for my psyche. I was hoping for an actual s-o-l-u-t-i-o-n.
I responded to one woman in particular who suggested swaddling him while he was napping. (Jackson sleeps fairly well at night because he's swaddled.) I mentioned in my email to her that the Miracle Blanket instructions said not to swaddle your child for more than 10 hours a day. I asked if she agreed with that, and received the following email from her this afternoon:
Honestly, no I don't think you can- unless you are literally swaddling all day- even during waking times.
Truth is, there is virtually nothing you can do in these first three months that will have lasting effects. OK- mainly an opinion- but you can't spoil a baby. :) I think, as was said, when you hold them and they sleep for hours it is basically the same thing as swaddling. They are close, snuggly, warm, can hear your heartbeat, they are, basically, prevented from wiggling/startling and this is what keeps them asleep. They are so little and sleep so much - even still- that so many naps is pretty normal. My littlest was still so sleepy at 10 weeks I was worried. Now she is 16 weeks and awake so often I wonder what I ever worried about. She's napping in her swing these days but it's just what she needs right now. Eventually, I'll transition her to the crib (sis is already there), if it doesn't work at first- we'll try again later.
Here is my theory. Take it for what it's worth (probably not much haha!) but I do have 2 kids, 4 and 6 years, that are relatively normal - meaning my friends don't go run screaming when we show up - and 2 more that seem to be progressing nicely. :)
I never read any baby books, just part of happiest baby. (The 5 Ss are the most important tip for soothing a baby for sure.) Otherwise, the first year stinks. Seriously. Not to sound depressing but it is so hard - the hardest work we have done in our lives. The baby is constantly changing. No one book will encompass all your baby needs and once you start reading multiple books you'll lose your mind.
Follow your heart and your mommy instinct. There is nothing wrong with survival mode, especially in the first three months. Start shooting for a routine around 4 months. In general, baby wakes up- eats- is up for 1-2 hours then sleeps- then repeat for rest of day until night time. Eventually, your baby's schedule will emerge- and there you go. And then it will change- and here we go again:)
If you are loving on that baby and there for them when they need you, you've done it right.
If I knew where she lived, I'd send her flowers. Here's a woman with four kids - two of them being just four months old - who took time to send the world's longest email to a new mom that's come close to her breaking point. (And I actually didn't even sound desperate in my email!)
Sometimes I think parents who have been removed from this for even six months to a year forget what these first few weeks are like. (And, hey, I don't blame you - there are parts of this I'm hoping to forget, too!) So it was particularly meaningful to hear from somebody who is in the trenches with me. I feel a zillion times better.
I love what she said so much that I might print it out and put it in every room in my house. And I've put the baby books away for now. This next chapter will be called "Instinctual Parenting." To be continued...
4 comments:
Hi Ellen-
I wholeheartedly agree with everything she said in that email. In fact, as I was reading your post, I was thinking many of the same things. I can't tell you how similar he sounds to Drew when he was a newborn and what worked the best with him was to do whatever worked. If he needed to be held, I held him. If he fell asleep in the car, I brought the car seat in and let him sleep away in it. Whatever it took to get 30 minutes to shower & eat, I did it. And sometimes, when nothing worked, he cried until he finally wore himself out. I worried that we'd have life long issues with him sleeping, but he's the best little sleeper now & we don't have any issues with him going to bed. So, no worries, he will grow out of it!
While all the books offer good advice, I honestly think the best advice is your mommy instinct. It's there...and you can't go wrong if you follow it.
Been awhile since my kids but since I keep little ones I agree whatever works. Main thing is to use common sense. The one little guy I have was swaddled as an infant and he also took naps swaddled. When he got older I tucked the blanket tight under his arms and around him to nap and used a bumper pad in the crib to give the feel of closeness. With others sometimes only the swing worked so I did that for a time. Then of course sometimes you just have to let them cry. Is nerve racking for parents but sometimes baby just need to cry. Then they can get spoiled or use to being held and we just can't do that all the time nor is it good for the baby. They will figure out the bed isn't so bad. Babies do go through fazes all the time. You will just get use to one way and then it all changes again. Taking care of babies can be the hardest job yet most rewarding one. Common sense and go w/ the flow. This too shall pass.
I know it goes against your analytical nature, but donate your books. Babies change the combination as soon as you settle into a routine. Sounds like Jackson has changed the combination. No book is going to tell you what the new code is. Beside, time spent reading could be better spent, say in the shower? :) I know you hate phone calls so I won't call. Call me if you want to trade war stories. I'm not too far removed from the experience and E is still changing the combo.
Ellen! I just found your blog--it's so fun to read. I've only made it through a few posts so far, but I had to comment on this one. We used (and loved!) the Miracle Blanket with our boys. The slept with it, naps and night, until 6 months (perhaps 14-15 hours a day?). They are just fine developmentally...they run and have full movement of their arms and legs at 19 months. And they still sleep 14-15 hours a day, unswaddled, most days still. Do what you need to do, and indeed follow the kind woman's advice to follow your instincts!!
:))
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