In honor of making it to the 10-week mark fairly unscathed, I've given some thought to the ten things I've learned (or was glad I had heard) during this whole experience. Here's what I know now that I didn't know before - or that I knew but kept reminding myself for the last two months.
#10: Trust your gut. I was worried that Jackson wasn't eating enough. Every new parent apparently thinks they're starving their child and I was not going to be one of those spastic new moms who called the pediatrician convinced of this. But at Jackson's two-month appointment we found out that there is an exception to every rule: my "lazy eater" wasn't gaining enough weight and had, in fact, spent the greater part of his scant eight weeks of life hungry. (Ouch. The idea that you haven't been feeding your child enough has "Mommy Guilt" written all over it.) Someday while my son is scarfing down his third helping of dinner I will remind him of the fact that he was once considered a "lazy" eater. Chad and I just aren't sure which side of the family that came from. Point being, in the back of my mind I knew this about week #4. I just talked myself out of it because I didn't want to come across as a spaz.
#9: If at first you don't succeed, try again. Some other day. At the six-week mark, I was determined to move Jackson from a Pack 'n Play into his crib. Six weeks seemed like the appropriate milestone for this to occur, so we made the move. And at the six-weeks-and-three-day mark, I abandoned my valiant mission. After several nights of getting up every hour to soothe a crying infant, we pulled the Pack 'n Play out of its carrier and put Jackson back in his little vibrating napper he loved so much. I needed sleep and I preferred to stay sane. "I am not giving up," I told Chad. "I am just accepting the fact that he is not ready for this." We'd try the crib in a few weeks, we decided. And, guess what? Two nights ago I put him into the crib and he sleeps like a dream child. Life is good.
#8: Kids make noise when they sleep. Why did no one ever tell me that I need to listen before rushing into my child's room? After about nine weeks I realized that Jackson grunts, farts, snorts and even cries in his sleep. Rushing in to put in the pacifier or feed him resulted in me legitimately waking a sleeping baby more times than I care to admit. Now I know a "just readjusting myself, Mom" whimper from a "Hello, I'm hungry, Lady!" wail when I hear it.
#7: Dr. Harvey Karp is a frickin' genius. If you ever invite me to a baby shower, let me spoil your gift: I will bring you a copy of The Happiest Baby on the Block and a swaddle. Even when I was apparently starving our child (see Point #10) I could calm down his cries in a matter of seconds with the "five S's". This man is a dream worker. As of late we've been loving the Miracle Blanket because it is the one swaddle that our little Houdini cannot escape from in the middle of the night. And he can't scratch himself, either, which he does if he's not wrapped up tight.
#6: Talk to your mommy friends. They will understand. I have been so lucky to have this charter group of women who have gone before me that really "get" this whole parenthood gig. They check in. They send reassuring emails and how-are-you-doing text messages. They comment on my blog posts. They call in the middle of the afternoon for no reason and we talk about things like bowel movements and the appropriate length of naps. (Yes, I have become one of those people who keeps track of both.) In my non-mom days I wanted to support my mom friends - and I did to the extent I could - but I've realized that I just didn't "get" it. If you're having a kid, find your network of people who have already sailed these waters and put them on speed dial. Immediately.
#5: This, too, shall pass. During the screaming fits, and there have been a few, I constantly reminded myself that neither of us would permanently be worse for the wear in six months or six years. These are the times of long days and short years, one of my friends wisely told me. And it's funny that, looking back even on the last few months, I really remember the best moments and have blocked out the worst parts. Perhaps that's the sleep deprivation talking, who knows.
#4: Don't fool yourself. You will not be able to sleep when the baby sleeps. A well-meaning friend said to me around Week Two of this adventure, "So, what are you going to do with all your free time?" I smiled, but I was gritting my teeth. Yes, it goes to figure that if a newborn sleeps 14-18 hours a day that you should be able to be pretty darned productive. Well, in the last ten weeks, I have taken exactly one nap. During Jackson's spotty nap times I am lucky to shower or eat lunch or put in a load of laundry or take out the trash or feed the dog or... I think you get the gist. In fact, when I'm putting Jackson down for his naps I am mentally prioritizing my to-dos. Should I make myself coffee first or write those three thank-you notes? Dare I make some oatmeal or should I wash those bottles? When you're living on borrowed time, it's amazing how productive you are. But, unfortunately, sleeping isn't usually part of that equation.
#3: Get out of the house. RIGHT. NOW. I sign up for these weekly baby emails about what your child should be doing developmentally, what you should be watching for, etc. At Week Eight, my email said something like, "Now is the time you should be thinking about and mentally preparing yourself to leave your child with someone else." Yikes, I thought. I must be the world's worst parent. We left Jackson and headed for the hills at about Day #3. Getting out of the house is essential. Chad and I have been to dinner by ourselves more often than I can count. And I've got a rule that if the temperature is above 40 degrees, I bundle Jackson up and take Lucy for a walk. Accept the fact that, if you're lucky, there are people on this Earth who love your child *almost* as much as you do. And those people have probably had far more sleep and are much more refreshed than you are. They make amazing babysitters. Get out of your house without your child. For everyone's sake!
#2: Having a baby is a productivity killer. This was actually the phrase that Chad uttered to me last Sunday after we had both been up for six hours with a fussy child and found ourselves still in our pajamas. Mentally prepare yourself for the fact that you will not be able to get anything done for the first 12 weeks and if you do, it's a bonus. This is not the time to be planning or doing anything of substance. Like knee surgery. But that is another blog post. And, yes, my Aunt Rita cautioned against this.
#1: If anyone offers to help, teach yourself these six little words: "That would be awesome. Thank you." Now is not the time to be Superwoman. You can't do it all, trust me. (And even with help, your kitchen will look like a disaster.) In Jackson's first weeks, Janice did my laundry. My mom made dinner more than once. Rachel sent me a "Pick a night this week when I can come babysit" text. April and Sarah and Sara and Erika and Margaret and Cathy and oh I'm sure I'm forgetting lots of people took care of us so we could take care of our child. Those are the best friends to have. And you need to be willing to accept everything they're willing to offer.
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